What Is: A New Beginning
by heathenseyes
Summary: Death, Owen supposed as he held Tosh to him, wasn’t the end. Perhaps…perhaps it was the beginning of something new, something different, something right. They were together and together, the dark could never touch them....


Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, Tosh and Owen would have lived.

Author's Note: This is the first part of a three part story based off of an challenge/collaboration by and with InsanityamI. I know the whole death scene has been done to death, but I couldn't resist. Hope y'all like. Let me know. Oh! Spoilers for Exit Wounds ahead.

--

Owen hit the door, hearing the soft thud as his body knocked against the thick metal. His mind registered that this was it, there was no way out, and he wished he could have felt the impact he'd had against the door.

In the final moments of his life, he wanted to feel something, anything, as long as it wasn't the fear that he felt boiling up from within him.

He remembered the darkness. It shadowed his every waking moment, which was every moment of this hellish existence that Jack had brought him back too. The memory of nothing, of a blackness so complete that he'd lost a sense of himself as it enveloped him, wrapping around him like some monstrous cocoon which he'd been unable to escape. Leaving him alone within its embrace with only the faintest awareness that there was…something out there as well. Something that was waiting within the dark. Something that was biding its time. Something that wanted to be released. Something that if he had taken his mind off of it for even a moment in the dark, he was certain it would swallowed him up and Owen Harper would have ceased to be.

That was what scared him the most, even more than the thought of becoming a puddle of goo. The knowledge that when the darkness took him again he would simply cease to be.

That the thing stirring in the dark would consume him, making him an appetizer while it waited for the release that would set it loose upon a world that would be laid out like one giant buffet.

Slowly, he became aware of Tosh breathing hard and he realized that she was saying something….

She wanted him to calm down?!

How the bloody hell could he?!

He was about to be become a puddle of sludge. His flesh was going to melt from his bones before his very eyes and then Owen Harper would be well and truly fucked because there was no way he could come back from this one.

He was going to rage his way into the oblivion that awaited him. He screamed and yelled, shouting until the sound of her tears broke through the haze of rage he'd been trapped within.

Her words brought him to a still, his none breath coming out rapidly enough that he realized he'd have probably passed out from his erratic breathing if he'd been alive…that or he'd have had a heart attack….

He was breaking her heart. Her words cut through every single thought, every single emotion, it was as though she had cut into him till she had found his heart, and he was certain that if his heart had still been beating, that those broken words would have broken his just as completely.

When he apologized, he almost laughed when she said she was sorry for not being able to save him.

That was his beautiful girl, always worried over him, always trying to save him, and she had saved him so very many times. He'd never even said thank you, not once, in fact he could count on one hand the times he'd told her thank you. Pitiful. God. He deserved the darkness just for being such a prat.

Sitting there, talking to her, he tried to take her mind away from the situation he was in, wanting to hear an end to her tears.

She should never have to weep, he wanted to hear laughter in her voice in the final moments of his life, he wanted to leave this world knowing that she would be okay.

Unfortunately, he realized a little too late that his diversionary tactics were shit when he heard himself ask what was going to happen to him. She started to describe what lay before him, his heart twisting at the blame he still heard in her voice, and he finished for her when she couldn't speak.

He always was crap at relationships, this was an example why, his foot always seemed to be permanently lodged in his mouth.

He apologized again, his voice softer than it had been only moments ago, and he realized that he had unconsciously matched his tone to hers. He heard the faintest of traces of laughter then as she described the incident with the space pig.

He'd only been at Torchwood Three for two weeks, the newest addition to their little family, and had gotten pissed the night before. When the call had come in he'd still been at home, laying on the floor where he'd passed out only a couple of hours earlier.

Tosh had been the one to come in, she'd dragged him to his bed, helped him with his shoes, and then tucked him in. She'd completely ignored all of his angry words at her invasion, she'd ignored all of his protests, and when she'd left, telling him not to worry, that she would take care of everything, he had felt so guilty at having enjoyed being taken care of. He'd loved Katie so very much and he'd never have not taken care of her, never not have devoted every moment of his life to making sure she was happy, that he'd never realized how tired he was of always trying to be the one that had to be positive, had to be strong, and now that she wasn't there…he had felt disgust and self-loathing threaten to eat away at him even as he remembered the way Tosh's hand had felt against his cheek, the warmth from her gentle touch that he had still felt while sleep stole over him and held onto as though it had been his anchor.

He'd never spoken of that night.

In fact, he'd done everything he could to forget it.

To have loved Tosh had felt like he'd have been betraying his Katie, it wasn't till now that he realized what an utter and complete ass he'd been.

Sitting there, waiting for his death, talking to Tosh, he realized there was no other way he'd want to go, unless it were in bed.

The shutters began to open. Slowly he stood, holding tightly to the image of Tosh and the way the warmth from her hands always seemed to linger hours after, even from the most faint of touches.

"It's okay, Tosh, really it is," Owen said, he was okay with it this time, at least he'd managed to say his goodbyes this go round. Only one regret, he had to leave Tosh again, leave behind all that they'd shared, what little there had been, and leave behind all that could have been.

The light enveloped Owen, burning away everything from his mind, the last thought in his mind was memory of Tosh, a smile on her lips as she'd looked up at him just before he'd kissed her. He'd never told her and in fact he had completely denied ever remembering it, but he'd thought often to that Christmas when he'd stolen a kiss from her, it had been the one time he'd allowed himself to imagine what could have been and now it was too late. He still held tightly to that memory of her in the final seconds of his life

-

Tosh watched the screen, reading the words that declared Owen was truly gone.

The last dredges of her energy drained away, leaving her…broken and tired. She was so very tired. Noises came from the Hub, dimly she heard the sound of people running, and then Jack was there, holding her.

She could see the faded light in Jack's eyes, something dimming the love of life that usually dwelled within his eyes.

Something that made him look careworn.

Tired.

There were new shadows of pain that hadn't been there this morning, just a few short hours ago. The shadows etched his face and Tosh felt the tears welling back up inside of her at the scared expression she saw in his eyes.

Her Captain.

He had saved so many and lost even more, he'd showed her things she'd never imagined, she'd meet extraordinary people, and been given the chance to fall in love.

Outside of Owen, Jack was the only other man she had ever truly loved.

It hadn't been the same sort of love. Owen she had loved because something within her had recognized that he was the one, she wasn't certain why she'd loved him, she hadn't chosen to love him, and at times she hadn't wanted to love him, but from the moments she saw him, Tosh had fallen into a love so deep she'd known she'd never have been able to escape it. She'd barely survived Owen's death last time. A part of her was glad that she wouldn't be left behind again.

But leaving now meant she'd have to leave Jack too. She'd have to look into his eyes and see the pain that she was seeing now.

A flash of pain struck her, the dull throb ebbing away almost as soon as it had come as Gwen stuck the needle into her.

Poor Gwen, still trying to save her even though it was too late. Always trying to save them. Oh, she'd miss Gwen and that smile.

And Ianto. She briefly saw his face, the red-rimmed eyes and tracks of tears marring his face. Poor Ianto. She'd never have another chance to just sit and talk with him, she would never again listen to him complain about Jack, she would never again be able to hold him, to comfort him, to be there for him when Jack accidentally breaks his heart next time.

Her eyes caught Jack's again and everything else seemed to fade away. Even the pain.

It was funny. Her wound had hurt so much that even breathing had seemed almost more than she had been capable of.

It didn't hurt anymore, in fact, she felt fine, except for the chill that had stolen over her.

But that was okay, soon, everything would be okay, and she felt Jack's warmth, the heat from his body chasing away the cold that had seeped into every inch of her body.

Smiling, she looked into Jack's face, she wanted so very much to assure him that everything was going to be okay, that she was okay, that she was sorry she had to leave them all behind, she wanted so very, very much to ease away the pain….

Only to find she couldn't. So instead she simply kept smiling, her heart breaking when Jack smiled back even as the tears fell from his eyes.

All in all, it wasn't to bad of a way to die, laying there in Jack's embrace, the only thing that would have been better was if Owen had been holding her instead….

Owen.

It wouldn't be much longer and she'd…..

Tosh faded away between one labored breath and the next, Jack's arms wrapped tightly around her and the memory of Owen kissing her wrapped just as firmly within her mind as the darkness took her away.

-

Owen was alone.

A darkness so complete he couldn't feel or sense anything else. He almost couldn't even feel himself there in the dark.

God. But he could feel the something. It was still there. That something, it was lurking, waiting patiently for him to turn his attention away and then it would eat him. Swallow him whole.

Was it possible to die after you were already dead? Well, apparently it was or else he wouldn't have found himself in the dark again.

No, it wouldn't be death if he were swallowed up, it'd be something worse. It would be like he ceased to exist, he just wouldn't be anymore. It would be as though he'd never existed.

Perhaps this was karma. After all, its not like he was wracking up any good karma for the most part, he'd pretty much been a wanker most of his life. Only good things in his life had been Katie and Tosh. Katie had the most wonderful smile he'd ever seen, it was like the sun coming out. And she'd loved so completely.

Just like Tosh. Sweet, unassuming Tosh who he could have been happy with. With who he had terrified of being happy with because he hadn't felt that he deserved happiness after let Katie die. Tosh who he had run away from, kept turning away at every turn. Tosh who, just when he'd started to realize that maybe he did deserve some happiness, he had some how kept missing.

Perhaps he did deserve to be swallowed and eaten, then he at least wouldn't have to remember what an idiot he'd been.

He felt himself giving up even before he'd made a conscious decision too, he felt the darkness moving, readying to take him when something tugged at him. A feeling that perhaps he wasn't as alone as he'd thought.

Huh.

Well.

That was different.

At least from last time. Not that he was an expert on being dead or anything…hah.

In a way, he supposed he was a bit of an expert when he thought about it.

Edging towards the sense of something else, he felt his curiosity stir. It wasn't like before, it was like the thing that was lurking, it was completely new and yet, somehow, familiar at the same time.

It wasn't till he drew nearer that he realized why it seemed so familiar.

There was a brilliant flash that enveloped him as the realization dawned upon him and then he was some where new. Somewhere he hadn't been before, somewhere filled with a light it almost blinded him.

And he wasn't alone.

Tosh stood there, looking absolutely beautiful, and Owen felt his heart break.

"Oh, God, no, Tosh," he whispered. She said she had been injured but was hit in the arm, she shouldn't have died. Not for a shot in the arm! She'd said she was okay! "Tosh?"

"Hello, Owen," Tosh smiled, one hand raising to brush a stray wisp of hair behind her ear.

"You…you…your dead." Owen wanted to smack himself as soon as the words tumbled out of his mouth. Good going, Harper. State the obvious. Bravo. You are officially an idiot.

He tried to, well, for lack of a better word, try again.

"How?" This time, Owen did smack himself.

Tosh sighed, a mournful sound that was in his book almost as bad as when she wept. "Gray."

Captain bloody Harkness and his damned dysfunction family.

"I'm sorry, Tosh, I thought…you were just slightly injured I would have left if I'd known…."

She smiled, even if it were a slight and sad smile, it was still a smile. "Owen, you couldn't have, thousands of people--"

"I wouldn't have cared." Owen said, and both of them knew he would have still tried to stop the reactor, but the sincerity in his words caused her smile to brighten.

Owen felt his heart stutter as her smiled transformed into something of heart-breaking beauty and he took a step forwards, his hands slipping into hers.

Tosh's fingers wrapped around his and Owen marveled at how well her hand fitted into his, he never realized how perfect she was, how she just seemed to fit to him so well….

Leaning forwards, he watched as Tosh searched his face, for what, he had no idea, but he supposed she found her answer because she stopped looking and closed the distance between them, sealing her lips against his.

Death, Owen supposed as he held Tosh to him, wasn't the end. Perhaps…perhaps it was the beginning of something new, something different, something right.

Where ever this lead them, Owen knew it would all be alright. They were together and together, the dark could never touch them, together they would always be home, it was simply the start of a new adventure. The start of something…wonderful.


End file.
